Thursday, August 29, 2013
Birthright
Birthright
I am my mother’s daughter,
so I know
the difference between fewer and less,
and the healing properties of chocolate.
I know
all the president’s men,
and the lyrics of Simon and Garfunkel,
and
how to read a poem.
I am my mother’s daughter,
so I know
how to navigate seas
of shadows and light
and speak truth
even when you ache.
(Especially when you ache.)
I am my mother’s daughter,
so I know
beauty is all around us
and danger nearby.
I know hogans face east
and life is okay
if the cat is all right.
I am my mother’s daughter,
so I know,
how autumn explodes,
things end and begin again
in November.
I know
the scents of cedar and sage,
and the sound of a drum
calling us out to dance.
–Cynthia Sillitoe, August 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Didn't I Leave?
Disclaimer: this is one of those posts where I take issue with the Mormon church, so you might not want to read it. And if you disagree with it and want to explain the church's position on this issue so that I will better understand, please don't waste either of our time. I know the explanations. I just don't buy them.
So, here I am, working on my Etsy store (yay!) and having a lovely day, except this conversation keeps going through my head, over and over, like it was in a Star Trek feedback loop, and once again it's about Mormonism....
And I just thought, "Didn't I leave?" I mean, it could be argued I never really joined, having never been baptized, but...yeah, I left. Except some of it stayed tattooed (a Mormon tattoo?) on my psyche and I never seem to truly escape it. My experience has been when one of these loops starts, something has triggered it psychically and the only way to get out of it is to have the conversation. So maybe someone I know needs to hear/read this. I don't know. But I finally decided to stop what I was doing and blog about it in the hopes that I can then go on with my day.
If you asked me what tenet of Mormon religion I really objected to most, it would be temple weddings. A temple wedding is a ceremony where two people (well, a man and a woman) are sealed to each other for eternity. They are the weddings all good Mormons aspire to have. The kicker is that those actually present at the ceremony have to be Mormons in good standing. My own understanding of that (which could be inaccurate) is that they need to be active in the church, have a testimony that the Mormon gospel is true, and they need to pay their tithing regularly.
If you're not willing to do all of that, you don't go to the ceremony. Even if it's your kid getting married, you're not getting in. (No, I am not kidding.) They do have a room at the temple where all the non-Mormons or not-good-enough Mormons can wait and then join the rest of the family for pictures outside the temple.
The church used to be a little more lenient about all this. My parents actually were able to get permission to have a wedding in the chapel of a Mormon church and my dad's family (who were all not Mormon) were able to be there, and then the next day, my parents were sealed in the temple, and only my mom's family (at least those who had paid their tithing) attended that, but everyone was happy. The church doesn't allow that any more because it would be what everyone would want.
Anyway, I totally understand why the Mormon church has its policy. In fact, I see two different reasons for it. One is the need for something to be sacred. I'm the first to admit other cultures have that. In Native American cultures, a Sun Dance is sacred. It's not open to everyone and it can't be photographed. Of course, it's also not a wedding.
The other reason I think the Mormon church (Yes, I know I'm supposed to call it the LDS church, but I decline to do that because they want me to....and not doing what the Mormon church wants me to is my revenge for all the nights as a kid I couldn't sleep because I was afraid my parents would be excommunicated. Believe me, it's my due.) Anyway, as I was saying, a more cynical reason for temple weddings is that it's a really good way to keep those tithing dollars coming in. I'm willing to bet (I can bet, having left) that about half the people who now pay tithing do it to be able to attend temple weddings. Well, that and to not feel guilty about having not paid tithing every time their bishop looks at them. (I know Jews and Catholics have a longer guilt tradition, but...um, Mormons can give you a run for their money.)
Not only does this temple wedding notion not hold up with my own beliefs and the God I've come to know, it doesn't square with the few years I attended Primary (Mormon Sunday School for kids.) One really practical lesson I learned from Primary was not to pick my nose. (You'd be surprised how many prayers include that. Again, I'm not kidding. Prayers like "Heavenly Father, thank you for our blessings, help us to listen to our teachers, and be reverent and obedient, and not pinch/kick the kid next to us and not pick our noses and eat the boogers....")
But the more religious lessons I learned in Primary were that Heavenly Father all of us loves us, we are all his children, and family is forever. Ok, um, what part of "family is forever" includes "but only some of them get to be at your wedding?"
(An aside, thanks to therapy, I now know family is not forever if you don't want it to be. When my therapist asked me why I still spent time in toxic relationships with relatives, I chimed back, "Family is forever," and she said, "Didn't you leave? Because if you're not going to believe other Mormon tenets, I suggest you let go of that one, too." And I did.)
My experience with this is far from unique. Anyone who has left the Mormon church knows this pain and any Mormon who had a temple wedding can list relatives who weren't able to attend. I have known people who have lost their Mormon faith and struggled with what to do about their kids' weddings. I've known people who opted not to attend. They couldn't say and do the things they needed to in order to be at their child's wedding and not feel like an absolute hypocrite. Often this causes a little family tension; sometimes it tears a family apart. I have also known other people who went to the other extreme. A friend who had no belief left in Mormonism told me that she gladly went to the bishop and said everything she needed to say to be at her kids' weddings and she didn't regret it.
When I broached this subject with a Mormon friend, she echoed that. She assured me she would say or do whatever it took to see her kid's wedding. I looked at her a minute and said, "What if, in order to be at that wedding, you had to condemn the Mormon church? What if you had to throw Joseph Smith and Jesus Christ and everything you believe in under the bus to be at your kid's wedding? And what does that say to your kid? On the one hand, I guess he or she could say they were the most important thing in the world to you. But they could also take with them the idea that belief is something you discard when it gets in the way."
And now maybe I can get on with my day....and not pick my nose and eat the boogers because Heavenly Father just hates that.
So, here I am, working on my Etsy store (yay!) and having a lovely day, except this conversation keeps going through my head, over and over, like it was in a Star Trek feedback loop, and once again it's about Mormonism....
And I just thought, "Didn't I leave?" I mean, it could be argued I never really joined, having never been baptized, but...yeah, I left. Except some of it stayed tattooed (a Mormon tattoo?) on my psyche and I never seem to truly escape it. My experience has been when one of these loops starts, something has triggered it psychically and the only way to get out of it is to have the conversation. So maybe someone I know needs to hear/read this. I don't know. But I finally decided to stop what I was doing and blog about it in the hopes that I can then go on with my day.
If you asked me what tenet of Mormon religion I really objected to most, it would be temple weddings. A temple wedding is a ceremony where two people (well, a man and a woman) are sealed to each other for eternity. They are the weddings all good Mormons aspire to have. The kicker is that those actually present at the ceremony have to be Mormons in good standing. My own understanding of that (which could be inaccurate) is that they need to be active in the church, have a testimony that the Mormon gospel is true, and they need to pay their tithing regularly.
If you're not willing to do all of that, you don't go to the ceremony. Even if it's your kid getting married, you're not getting in. (No, I am not kidding.) They do have a room at the temple where all the non-Mormons or not-good-enough Mormons can wait and then join the rest of the family for pictures outside the temple.
The church used to be a little more lenient about all this. My parents actually were able to get permission to have a wedding in the chapel of a Mormon church and my dad's family (who were all not Mormon) were able to be there, and then the next day, my parents were sealed in the temple, and only my mom's family (at least those who had paid their tithing) attended that, but everyone was happy. The church doesn't allow that any more because it would be what everyone would want.
Anyway, I totally understand why the Mormon church has its policy. In fact, I see two different reasons for it. One is the need for something to be sacred. I'm the first to admit other cultures have that. In Native American cultures, a Sun Dance is sacred. It's not open to everyone and it can't be photographed. Of course, it's also not a wedding.
The other reason I think the Mormon church (Yes, I know I'm supposed to call it the LDS church, but I decline to do that because they want me to....and not doing what the Mormon church wants me to is my revenge for all the nights as a kid I couldn't sleep because I was afraid my parents would be excommunicated. Believe me, it's my due.) Anyway, as I was saying, a more cynical reason for temple weddings is that it's a really good way to keep those tithing dollars coming in. I'm willing to bet (I can bet, having left) that about half the people who now pay tithing do it to be able to attend temple weddings. Well, that and to not feel guilty about having not paid tithing every time their bishop looks at them. (I know Jews and Catholics have a longer guilt tradition, but...um, Mormons can give you a run for their money.)
Not only does this temple wedding notion not hold up with my own beliefs and the God I've come to know, it doesn't square with the few years I attended Primary (Mormon Sunday School for kids.) One really practical lesson I learned from Primary was not to pick my nose. (You'd be surprised how many prayers include that. Again, I'm not kidding. Prayers like "Heavenly Father, thank you for our blessings, help us to listen to our teachers, and be reverent and obedient, and not pinch/kick the kid next to us and not pick our noses and eat the boogers....")
But the more religious lessons I learned in Primary were that Heavenly Father all of us loves us, we are all his children, and family is forever. Ok, um, what part of "family is forever" includes "but only some of them get to be at your wedding?"
(An aside, thanks to therapy, I now know family is not forever if you don't want it to be. When my therapist asked me why I still spent time in toxic relationships with relatives, I chimed back, "Family is forever," and she said, "Didn't you leave? Because if you're not going to believe other Mormon tenets, I suggest you let go of that one, too." And I did.)
My experience with this is far from unique. Anyone who has left the Mormon church knows this pain and any Mormon who had a temple wedding can list relatives who weren't able to attend. I have known people who have lost their Mormon faith and struggled with what to do about their kids' weddings. I've known people who opted not to attend. They couldn't say and do the things they needed to in order to be at their child's wedding and not feel like an absolute hypocrite. Often this causes a little family tension; sometimes it tears a family apart. I have also known other people who went to the other extreme. A friend who had no belief left in Mormonism told me that she gladly went to the bishop and said everything she needed to say to be at her kids' weddings and she didn't regret it.
When I broached this subject with a Mormon friend, she echoed that. She assured me she would say or do whatever it took to see her kid's wedding. I looked at her a minute and said, "What if, in order to be at that wedding, you had to condemn the Mormon church? What if you had to throw Joseph Smith and Jesus Christ and everything you believe in under the bus to be at your kid's wedding? And what does that say to your kid? On the one hand, I guess he or she could say they were the most important thing in the world to you. But they could also take with them the idea that belief is something you discard when it gets in the way."
And now maybe I can get on with my day....and not pick my nose and eat the boogers because Heavenly Father just hates that.
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